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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24623485">Gentle Touches</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/PalavaRakkaus/pseuds/PalavaRakkaus'>PalavaRakkaus</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dragon Age (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Feelings, I have never touched the source material, M/M, Vaguely described sex</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:47:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,605</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24623485</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/PalavaRakkaus/pseuds/PalavaRakkaus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Fenris is not used to gentleness, but it is what Anders has offered him. Late at night, with Anders sleeping in his bed, he tries to understand this sudden change in their relationship and his own confusing feelings.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anders/Fenris (Dragon Age)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>72</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Gentle Touches</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He is not used to gentleness.</p><p>The room is dark, and cool enough that Fenris's skin is covered in gooseflesh as he sits, cross-legged and naked, on the end of his bed. His body feels heavy, his hands like lead as they rest on his legs.</p><p>In front of him, Anders is asleep under the blanket, lying on his side. His breathing is slow and even, chest rising and falling on a steady rhythm, lips parted.</p><p>Every moment between them is carved into Fenris's memory, clear and deep. Anders' eyes, staring up at his, their steady, golden gaze never wavering. Anders' hair spilling over the pillow and framing his face, his scent filling Fenris's lungs. Anders' hands on his skin, their touch light and almost hesitant even when Fenris is moving inside him, so slowly he can hardly bear it. Anders' voice, begging until he loses his grasp of words and only keens as Fenris gives him everything he has.</p><p>And after, Anders holding him close, tender, careful. Anders' mouth on his, the touch of it so light it can barely be called a kiss.</p><p>Fenris doesn't know how to deal with that. He's been touched gently, with no ulterior motive, so rarely that he can name each time.</p><p>He hasn't expected gentleness with Anders; he's expected a battle of wills, taunts and teeth and bruises. What he has had is Anders giving himself away, offering without demanding, holding without restraining.</p><p>It terrifies him. He's not ready for this. It seems like a trap, designed to cause him to lose himself, to tear down his own walls and shatter his armour until he's weak and defenceless and breakable.</p><p>Under the covers, Anders shifts, curls more tightly into himself. The echoes of his touch dance on Fenris's skin and make him shiver.</p><p>Asleep, the mage seems so harmless. Not at all like the dangerous creature he is, capable of getting far too close to Fenris. Close enough to hurt.</p><p>Perhaps close enough to destroy.</p><p>Fenris straightens his legs, his muscles protesting at the sudden movement. He's not sure how long he has been sitting still, doing nothing but staring at this mystery of a mage sleeping in his bed.</p><p>Soundlessly, he gets to his feet and walks across the room. The stone floor is so cold, cold enough that he almost flinches on each step. It would be much warmer and more comfortable in bed, under the covers, but he does not dare to lie down beside Anders.</p><p>With his mere closeness, the mage could tempt Fenris into forgetting how dangerous he truly is.</p><p>He sits down on a chair and breathes in, deep. It brings back the memory of Anders' scent, all warm, clean skin and hair.</p><p>Fenris needs to find that calm place inside him that allows him to focus, the same one he falls into before each battle. He has to pull himself together before Anders wakes up, so that there are no cracks in his armour the mage can slither through.</p><p>When Anders awakes, Fenris needs to tell him to leave. It is not his place here, in Fenris's home, in his bed, definitely not in Fenris's heart. There's not enough room for the mage.</p><p>And if a part of him yearns for Anders to stay, it is all the more reason to push him away. It is a weakness, this desire to keep Anders in his life, right next to him, in his arms.</p><p>He doesn't know what Anders wants, and that frightens him. What is his endgame? He must be after something, surely, well as he has hidden it so far. Everyone wants something, and nearly all they want, they have to take from others, Fenris knows that better than most. Besides his freedom, he has very little to offer, and that is the one thing he will not give away, especially not to a mage.</p><p>Fenris wishes he didn't feel so defenceless, so lost. Perhaps it's tiredness, perhaps simply his inexperience in these matters, but whatever it is, he does not like it. He wants normalcy back, the familiar, reliable contempt he's always felt towards Anders.</p><p>That was safe.</p><p>In the bed, Anders shifts again and blinks his eyes open. As Fenris watches, his hazy gaze travels around the room before settling on Fenris. The corner of his mouth curves up into a faint smile, and Fenris doesn't know what to make of that. He's not ready to encounter the mage yet, his walls down, his armour still shattered.</p><p>"Why are you sitting there?" Anders asks, his voice low and a little raspy.</p><p>"I cannot sleep," Fenris answers. The words sound odd, a brittle quality to them that he doesn't recognise.</p><p>"Well you're not even in bed, of course you can't—" Anders stops talking, his mouth open. "Oh. Hey. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I should have not stayed, I didn't mean to take over your bed—" He's scrambling to his feet, staggering a little as he reaches for his robes, his naked skin so pale in the dark.</p><p>He's <em>leaving</em>, and the realisation has Fenris rushing to his feet.</p><p>"No, no. Stay."</p><p>The words are out of his mouth before he has the time to think them through. He hasn't been ready for this conversation. How has the mage rendered him this vulnerable with nothing more than his touch?</p><p>Anders looks at him as if he's lost his mind. "It's your bed."</p><p>"We can share," Fenris says, and it is not what he has meant to say.</p><p>"Then why are you not—"</p><p>"I cannot sleep," Fenris repeats helplessly.</p><p>Anders looks confused. Fenris cannot blame him. He's confusing himself too. He takes a step towards Anders and reaches out with one hand, unsure of what he wants, and Anders catches his hand and pulls him close. Fenris lets it happen and leans into the embrace. Anders' skin is very warm against his own.</p><p>"Maker, you're <em>cold</em>," Anders murmurs. "Come to bed. It's warm under the covers."</p><p>Fenris shakes his head. Now that he's in Anders' arms, he doesn't want to move; he wants to be held. He hasn't realised how touch-starved he has been, but with Anders holding him, he can't bear the thought of losing this connection. He's without his armour, and Anders cannot—should not—replace it with his body, but he's not as scared as he should be.</p><p>"Come on," Anders says, and his hold of Fenris loosens.</p><p>Fenris grips him tighter in return.</p><p>"Hey," Anders says. "Hey, come on. You can hold me in bed." He pauses. "If that's what you'd like. You don't have to."</p><p>Fenris does not want to move.</p><p>"Fenris. Hey. What am I doing wrong here?"</p><p><em>You are giving me things, and I don't know what you want back</em>, Fenris thinks, but no words leave his lips.</p><p>Anders strokes his shoulders. The mage is so gentle with him, even now when they should be done with each other and there seems to be so little he can gain from it, and Fenris doesn't know what it means. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do with it.</p><p>"Fenris?" Anders prompts.</p><p>He needs to throw Anders out, tell the mage to go away and not come back to confuse him, but he needs to stay in this embrace too, and that—that, right there, is the problem.</p><p>"Would you come to bed with me?" Anders asks.</p><p>And Fenris finds himself nodding. Anders smiles at him, kisses him on the cheek with his gentle mouth, and then pulls him to the bed, guides him to lie down, crawls next to him. He lies still as Anders pulls the covers over them.</p><p>Anders has been right: it is warm there. Anders himself is warm as he holds Fenris, and Fenris finds himself relaxing. This is not the familiar calm place he knows, but it's close, and that doesn't surprise him as much as it should.</p><p>"Will you tell me what's wrong now?" Anders asks, his voice quiet and patient.</p><p>"I don't know what you want," Fenris says.</p><p>Anders' hand rises to comb through his hair.</p><p>"I don't know what I want either," Anders tells him. "But I like lying here like this. With you."</p><p>Fenris nods. He likes it too, he admits to himself. He feels safe, here in Anders' arms, in a mage's arms, and it cannot be right, but he doesn't want it to be any different.</p><p>He could build new walls around them both. Let Anders have a place inside them. Not wear his armour inside those walls, because perhaps he does not have to protect himself from Anders.</p><p>A dangerous thought, that.</p><p>"You could stay," Fenris says before he has time to think it through.</p><p>Anders hums, low and sleepy. "I am staying."</p><p>There's a silence.</p><p>"You don't mean just tonight," Anders says, after a while.</p><p>Fenris nods.</p><p>"Forever?" Anders asks, and his voice trembles. With hope or with fear, Fenris doesn't know.</p><p>Fenris nods again. Anders' hands on him are not quite steady, and Fenris realises he may have not been the only one scared and confused. There is comfort in that.</p><p>"I'm staying," Anders whispers, and Fenris holds on to him tighter and lets his fingers tangle into coppery-golden hair.</p><p>Perhaps this is, after all, what Anders wants back; this could be his ulterior motive. If it is, Fenris is almost certain he can live with it, because maybe, <em>maybe</em>, he will gain something from it, instead of having to give something away.</p><p>He is not used to gentleness. Neither of them is, but they could learn.</p><p>Together.</p>
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